The prompt of ‘music’ was a very fruitful one for the Writing Club resulting in some very powerful stories from the listeners to BBC Local Radio in the East. And, as I do every time there’s a Writing Club, I also write something based on the prompt. Well, you’ve got to put your money where you mouth is, haven’t you?

So, herewith, I give you:

You Can’t Call It Music (or The Von Trapp Family Member That No-one Talks About)

It’s something special – I know – but I don’t want to bore
But I guarantee that you’ve heard nothing like me before
But I have a talent, unusual thing –
‘Cause everyone shudders when I start to sing
I can scatter a crowd
People pray that I don’t sing out loud

And they say

You can’t call it music, we’re begging, pleading
Stop it now, our ears are bleeding
We can live without it and say in all honesty
It’s bad as can be
You sound much worse than a foghorn at sea
And they say you can’t call it music, whatever it may be

Mother says I was quite tuneless before I could talk
When I started bawling she’d have to go out for a walk
The neighbours could hear me and they went out too
And when Dad came home, the air would turn blue
As he tried his best
To teach me to sing like the rest

But he said

You can’t call it music, this caterwauling
Frankly, love, it’s quite appalling
You can be a dancer, or someone acting in mime
You’d be sublime
But, dear, your singing is really a crime
So I say you can’t call it music, it’s awful every time

I am so lucky
I am the girl with tuneless voice
I make a fortune wailing with a punk band
No big deal if I go out of tune

You might not call it music, the songs I’m singing
But for me, it’s joy they’re bringing
I’m having a great time by yowling loudly off-key
Proudly off-key
It’s how I am and how I want to be
And while you’ll never call it music, it means the world to me
And while you’ll never call it music, it’s all the world to me

Carol Carman